I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
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I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”