I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
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most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
“Huge”.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.