I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
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it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.