@1evilidiot: I'm pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
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@RidiculousSheri: "Knock knock" "Who's there?" "Pizza" "My new boyfriend who? "No. Pizza" "My future husband who?" "No." "Playing hard to get who?"
@ChickenFrecklez: Me texting friend: Hey! What's up? Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling* Me: I am so glad I didn't ask "how's it hanging"
@UncleDuke1969: Government Shutdown: Day Two Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do. Watches all 5 seasons of "The Wire". Totally gets the hype now.
@TheIronSherk: *turns on deep-fryer* *tosses in chicken nuggets* *adds chamomile and lavender* *recites from the Book of Shadows* Voila, Wiccan Nuggets