I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
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I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.