Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
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My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*