I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
You Might Also Like
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
I’d rather go liquor treating.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place