I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
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Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad