@DirtMcTurd: I'm proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don't want to hang out with you now but I'm still proud...
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@notfaizzy: If your surname is Rice and you don't name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
@AllieGoertz: I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, "I work at Cheesecake Factory"
@juliussharpe: Forgot we bought a Christmas tree. Woke up at 2 a.m., went to pee, thought it was a guy and almost called the cops on it.