I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
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If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
But wait…
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick