I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
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Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
thank god
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.