I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
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Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now