@tanialunreal: I'm putting off having kids mainly because I'm not ready to be 9 months sober.
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@david8hughes: [under heavy sniper fire] Platoon leader: where's that sniper fire coming from? Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
@johngaysee: If I were Luke Skywalker it would have taken me about six minutes to turn R2-D2 into a bong.
@MomOfTeen: Rating all the Nancy Drew books I've read on Goodreads so it looks like I'm smart or something.
@KalvinMacleod: GOD: I've created donuts ANGEL: ooh they're yummy but why the hole? GOD: ANGEL: GOD: ANGEL: because they are holy GOD: because they are holy