I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
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My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game