Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
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[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you