I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
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Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting