@LizHackett: I'm quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
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@coolidiot2000: [doctors exam] "I'm feeling a lump here. Here's another. You have several lumps." -uh oh, what does that mean doc? "it means you're fat"
@EddieHarris216: Announcer: The referee has thrown a yellow flag. A red flag, a green, an orange, a blue. I'm now being told a magician has run on the field.
@Skoog: me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes] me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size