“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
You Might Also Like
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
getting groceries
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.