@girl_a_whirl: I'm quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would've gone in an entirely different direction.
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@Nahdude83: I was making breakfast, then "She's a maniac" came on the radio... Everything is a blur. Why am I so tired? Why am I in this steel factory?
@ghostkrogh: judge: 99 yrs me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer? judge: no that actually helped me: killing then judge: yeah the killing
@generaldietz: [Olive Garden] Me: *walks in* Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back. Me: Huh? Hostess: When you're here you're family.
@captainkalvis: [engagement party] brother: show us the ring! me: we dont have time to watch a classic horror movie Dave you dumb shit i'm gettin married