I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
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The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault