I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
You Might Also Like
Don’t we all.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.