I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
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[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?