I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
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They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.