I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
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Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
I hope it’s French Onion!
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.