I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
You Might Also Like
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
When you’re here for the treats.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
CUTE CAT‼︎
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…