@savagehippy: I'm raising my child to believe there were only 3 'Star Wars' movies.
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@TheToddWilliams: [cat adoption agency] Counselor: ...*slowly pushes my application off the counter* Me: What the hell? Counselor: You're not ready
@Gooooats: That will be $6.34, and would you like to donate a dollar to the children's hospital or do you prefer being judged by a Taco Bell employee?
@JB4Realz: INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness? ME: Well, for starters, I'm unemployed.