I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
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As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.