*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
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When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
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