Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
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“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
We cut our bangs at dawn.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*