I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
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[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.