@shakenbakegurl: I'm really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
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@bobvulfov: DEODORANT: ugh i hate my job, gotta go in his gross armpit all the time TOILET PAPER: bro
@dubiousgenius: ME: You should always say no to drugs. SON: Okay. ME: Let's practise. Do you want this drug? SON: No, two drugs.
@kelkulus: It's a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
@_sleepysmile: People always comment about how young I look. I just tell them it's because of all the placenta I've been eating.