I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
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For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Pretty much. 🤣
Unimpressed
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Ugh
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.