@E_lok44: If you eat enough ice cream your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.

@bingowings14: Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Lego man: Is it because I'm block?

@okaypup: I wish I was from Finland so when people asked if I was Finnish I could say "no, in fact, I'm just getting started"

@iwearaonesie: complaining about your wife's stories will result in having to sit through her story about the time you complained about her stories

@Reverend_Scott: [on date] Ok, don't let her know ur a vampire. Her: I think I'll have a steak. A STAKE?? [turns into bat and flies away]