@Scigglez: Using the phrase "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger," only shows that you're unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
@TheQuietPsycho: *getting married
Priest: will you love & honor her?
Me: I will
Her: [whispers to priest]
Priest: and leave your phone unlocked?
Me: I'm out
@AmericanGent69: Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
@lovemydogduck: Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
@better_off_dad: 'There's lots of other fish in the sea.'
Me, burning dinner.
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