I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
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My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
This trial is so absurd 😭
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop