@Scigglez: Using the phrase "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger," only shows that you're unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.

@TheQuietPsycho: *getting married Priest: will you love & honor her? Me: I will Her: [whispers to priest] Priest: and leave your phone unlocked? Me: I'm out

@AmericanGent69: Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often? Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.

@lovemydogduck: Dear Santa, My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.

@better_off_dad: 'There's lots of other fish in the sea.' Me, burning dinner.