I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
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FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
This is painfully accurate 😅
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.