‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
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*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Just parrot things
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why