I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
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I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
If you are reading this then you are reading this
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
This checks out
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
man: wait
time: no
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead