Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
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Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
#catsoftwitter
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?