I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
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I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
The USS B port
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.