I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
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Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
Awwwww shit.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
wtf is a larm clock?
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.