“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
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Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare