I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
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Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Who.
Did.
This?
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
The hardest thing Vision has to do
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied