5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
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sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.