I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
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Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
New menu item
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
me refusing to leave twitter
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Bloody internet 😳
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say