@AnkCoupleTO: I'm reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
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@SortaBad: tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
@patrickmarkryan: Two drivers crash into each other. They both finish writing their texts before getting out of their cars to inspect the damage
@DumbConfessions: [in Paris] Will you have sex with me? "No monsieur." Okay, like, I don't speak French. BLINK ONCE FOR NO AND TWICE FOR YES.