I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
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Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
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Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.