The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
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I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.