@Schmoodles: I'm responsible for 84% of all cat videos currently available on YouTube.
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@DavidKlein5: People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
@Rachrinc: I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake
@Tmoney68: [Doctor's Office] Dr: I'm not going to candy-coat this.... Me: *misses bad results of test because I'm imagining a coat made of Skittles*
@GayAtHomeDad: When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.