Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
You Might Also Like
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.