I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
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The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.