I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
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[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
every college guy’s fridge
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
I forgot how to panic. Help
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.