I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
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Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Seas the day!!!!
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?