I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
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I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.