@Black__Elvis: I'm romantic so I treat my girlfriend to a candlelight dinner every night, plus she's getting fat and candlelight has like zero calories.
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@underchilde: Sorry I totaled your car. I saw your kid made the honor roll, so I let go of the wheel to applaud.
@Book_Krazy: Don't let him know you're a hologram. Don't let him know you're a hologram. Interviewer: You've got the job! *extends hand* Me: Dammit
@Amburglar_: According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
@DaHess1: Referring to another employee as a "gingeraffe"will land you in sensitivity training...no matter how tall and redheaded they are.