I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
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I have obtained a hat
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.