I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
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At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.