@pharmasean: I'm rubber, you're glue. He's scissors, she's a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
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@UncleDuke1969: Me: I haven’t tweeted in days. Wife: Oh no! Hold on… *opens laptop *types Wife: Phew! Me: What? Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
@jerm1991: Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
@KalvinMacleod: My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
@PsstCaptain: Teens today have it so easy. We didn't have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.