I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
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[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
BaD BoY!!
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”